Funkhauser

*Spoken by Funkhauser*
(spoken by band-members)
[Instruments]


Alright- alright I want everyone to start clapping!
Everybody, come on follow me.
One, two.
[All clapping]
That's good clappin' Bert
usually not on beat.

You're just on stage because you look so handsome
but tonight, you're on beat alright.

Alright, Nathaniel (Yeah?)

I want you to give me a smooth bassline
nice and smooth, alright? (alright)
A one, two, three, four.
[start bass]
Yeah, woo, I like that!
Like stepping into a warm bath.
Wash your soul. Make the people clean!

Lineman! Come on in!
[start drums]

Ahh.
Scooty, (yes) Pete! (yeah?)
Gimme something high up there. (Here we go)
Guitar!
[start guitar]

Aw this is smooth!
I ain't never heard anything so smooth.
But sometimes I like a little chunky (Ok)
I want a little chunky in there!
Louis! (yeah?)
You think you can do that? (Oh yeah!)
[start rhythm]


Chunky chunk!


Now who we got on horns?
(You got me, you got James, and No-Bone Willy)
Okay James and No-Bone Willy! (No-Bone Willy!)
I want you to fly in nice and low
Now watch me now
[start horns]
and out.
[applause]

Yeah, aw man.
I don't know what we can do to make this better!
Somebody take an eggbeater
and beat it against a skillet! (ooh! I'm on it!)
[start eggbeater]


You over there ready, Freddy? (uh-huh)
When I point you in
I want you to give me a duck call (absolutely)
Can you give me a duck call?
(I can give you a duck call!)
Let's get some ducks in here!
[start duckcall]


Bow-bow (quacking noises)


Alright now I want somebody
to take that skillsaw and make me a table.
A funky table!
[start skillsaw]
Did you see Robert jump up on that?
Woo! I didn't even have to ask him twice!


Now, move that microphone up to that vat of boiling pudding.
Oh! Watch the microphone!
Now take some of those softballs
and drop them in that pudding. (you got it boss)
But make it funky.
[start pudding]
Nah I don't like that let's try something bigger
You see that robot? Pick up that robot.
(Robot: Hey! Put me down!)
And drop him in the pudding. (In ya go!)
(Robot: I can't swim!)
[laughter and shocking noises]


Alright now, I want somebody.
No-Bone Willy put that horn down (No-Bone Willy!)
Ya'll drop out [stop horns]

Willy? (Yo)
Take a dead rat
and throw it against the bus. (Do what?)
Open that patio door, take a dead rat,
and throw it against the bus. (O.K.)
[stop all but bass and clapping]
[stop bass]
[Bus drives off after being hit by dead rat]
[re-enter all instruments]
Oh! Oh man that is repugnant!

Now how is my table coming?
(Almost ready I've got to put the legs up!)
Alright!


What else we got around here?
I dunno take a fire extinguisher (O.K.)
Empty it into a vacuum!
That's what we're gonna do!
[start vacuum]
(I'm pretty sure that's a fire hazard!)
That's alright 'cause it's hot in here!
(I'm serious! You should rethink that!)
Aw! Hey!
[stop vacuum]

(Table's done!)
Woo! That is a beautiful table! (applause)
[inaudible]
(I'd have painted it but that would be too quiet)
[laughter]

I've wanted to do this for a long time.
Someone! Stevie! Take a Compac Presario and a microwave.
Generate a force field! 
That's right, generate me a force field
with a Compac Presario and a microwave!
[start force-field]

(Oh god!) (Damn!)
That's amazing!
Bert! Go over there and see if you can touch Stevie
See if that thing is real!
[Bert's voice is muffled, then a shocking sound]
(Ow!)
[Laughter]
(He's really in there!)
Alright shut that thing off.
We don't want no Chernobyl.
[stop force-field]
[inaudible] the electric bill.


Now what I'm gonna do..
is shove this fish.. through this kumquat! (Okay!)
I'm gonna take this fish..
[knocking on door]
Ssh ssh ssh! Oh everybody! Ssh ssh ssh!
[door opens]
Quiet down now.
(Uh excuse me guys)
I'm sorry were we too loud? Was it the force field?
(I.. don't know what that means
uh no the Paladins of Ashet D&D club
booked the room from 8-10 so.. wrap it up!)
Well! You heard the man!
Let's take it on the road!
..No no no leave the pudding
[They exit the room]

Can you hit that button for me?
[Start elevator music]
Alright excuse me.
(I'm claustrophobic man, I'll take the stairs)
Alright I'll see you down there.
[exit bass and guitar]

[enter bass and guitar]
Ah-hah! You almost beat us down here! (Almost, gah..)
Nah. That's alright you go ahead. (Thank you)
[traffic noise]

[whistles]
Taxi!
[car screeches]
Jesus! (where to?)
Where'd you learn to drive!?
(Shotgun!)
Everybody in. Get in to the death-mobile.

Let's go to Froggy's on 5th.
Does anyone have my fish and a kumquat?
[doors close and all instruments are muffled.
Taxi drives off and exuent all instruments]

[traffic noise]
[end]