Glorious

(Courtesy of Eddie Izzard Circle) 

  So, uh, yeah, but the Death star, the one thing about the Death star is that there was no food.  No one had food at all.  No food at all!  No one said, "Hey, Darth Vader, Emperor, just nipping down to alpha beta 9. What d'you want? Couple of sarnies? Um, chicken, ham, ham, chicken, egg, what? Coke? Diet Coke? What d'you want? What d'you want? You weird bleeders!" 

  But there must have been a Death star canteen, yeah?  There must have been a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and go down (Vader voice) 
  "I will have the penne a la arabiata."  (canteen server) 
  "You'll need a tray." 
  "Do you know who I am?" 
  "Do you know who I am?" 
  "This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader. Darth Vader. Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought!" 
  "Well you'll still need a tray." 
  "No I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force - which is strong within me - even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor…" 
  "No, the food is hot. You'll need a tray to put the food on." 
  "Oh I see, the food is hot. I'm sorry I, I did not realise. Hah hah! I thought you were challenging me to a fight to the death." 
  "Fight to the death? This is canteen, I work here." 
  "Yes, but I am Vader, I am Lord Vader. Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Lord Vader. Darth Vader, I am Darth Vader, Lord Vader. Sir Lord Vader, Sir Lord Darth Vader. Lord Darth Sir Lord Vader of Cheam. Sir Lord Baron von Vaderham. The Death star. I run the Death star." 
  "What's the Death star?"  (Darth is losing a bit of patience) 
  "This is the Death tar. You're in the Death star. I run this star." 
  "This is a star?" 
  "This is a fucking star - I run it. I'm your boss." 
  "You're Mr Stephens?" 
  "No, I'm… who is Mr Stephens?" 
  "He's head of catering." 
  "I'm not head of catering! I am Vader. I can kill catering with a thought." 
  "What?" 
  "I can kill you all. I can kill me with a thought. Just… I'll get a tray, fuck it! 
  (Still Vader) This one's wet, and this one's wet, and this one's wet.  This one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet.  Did you dry these in a rain forest?  Why, with the power of the Death star, do we not have a tray that is fucking dry?  I do not…(someone has pushed in) No, no, no.  I was here first." 
  "You have to form a queue if you want food. Can I have, oh, penne a la arabiata, that looks nice." 
  "No, no, no. D'you know who I am?"  (server buts in) 
  "That's Jeff Vader, that is." 
  "I am not Jeff Vader, I am Darth Vader."  "What, Jeff Vader runs the Death star?" 
  "No, Jeff… No, I run the Deathstar." 
  "You Jeff Vader?" 
  "No, I'm Darth Vader!" 
  "Are you his brother? Can you get his autograph?" 
  "I can't get it… No, I'm… All right, I'm Jeff Vader! I'm Jeff Vader!" 
  "Can I have your autograph?" 
  "No, fuck off, or I'll kill you with a tray! Give me penne a la arabiata or you shall die. And you, and everyone in this canteen! Death by tray it shall be!"  (scornful server) 
  "Do you want peas with that?" 
  "Peas? You don't have peas! You can't put red with…It doesn't work with penne, you don't put, unless you push them up the penne tubes, and then they&